I wish I could shut off my mind when it comes to you, close my eyes and breathe and not hear the sound of my thoughts crashing against the insides of my skull. I wish I didn’t lay awake at night, over thinking every little thing, re-remembering conversations we’ve had, inserting unspoken words into every sentence.
I wish I didn’t have to pretend I was okay, all the while hushing the little voices in my head. I wish I didn’t have to force myself to take deep breaths, to slow down, to stop letting the way I’ve always processed and analyzed my life lead the way I love.
I wish I didn’t spend so much time fighting my heart about you.
Because what my mind doesn’t understand, is the way your skin feels under my fingertips, how your hands are warm and strong and alive under my palms. What my mind doesn’t understand is that your eyes make me feel dizzy, that your laugh makes a smile unconsciously split across my face. a wild heartbeat, the passion of a kiss, the soft calm of simply hearing someone’s voice—love.
There are some things you just can’t analyze, can’t make sense of, can’t over think because once you do, the magic’s lost. And that’s my biggest fear with you, that I’ll lose all that I crave so much, simply because I can’t stop my stupid mind from thinking you away.
I wish I could just stop. Stop worrying so much about where we’re going, who we’ll be, and just exist in the moment with you. Stop imagining all the ways we could unfold, all the ways you’ll run, all the ways I’ve always been, and always will be too much.
I wish I could stop telling myself that I’m somehow less, that you’re somehow no longer interested, that we’re somehow going to fall apart and I’ll have to find my footing again. I wish my mind didn’t spin me in circles, making me so disoriented I can no longer remember how to simply be.
I don’t know how to stop my mind from wondering, questioning, over thinking, but. I guess I’ll start slowly letting go of the past, of the doubt, of the blanket of fear I’ve carried on my shoulders and stand before you, open and willing to let you in.